‘What?!’ I hear you cry, ‘snacks in the water?’ YEAH. SNACKS IN THE WATER. Thanks to QI on the tellybox, no one believes in that 30-mins-before-swimming-after-eating shit anymore… which has really opened the floodgates for this kinda thing. And I’ll let you in on a little secret… it’s easy.
All you have to do is carefully select a food product that:
1) doesn’t fall apart when exposed to water;
2) is the right size and shape to keep up the sleeve of your wetsuit.
EASY. So here’s a little run down of a few things we’ve tried over the years. In no particular order.
CHORIZO
MMMMM. Smokey salty chewing piggy stick thing. Can withstand the waves with it’s greasy skin, is high in protein and, if positioned correctly within your wetsuit can certainly raise a few eyebrows.
CHOCOLATE/ENERGY BARS
Flapjack style oaty, seedy bars work better; they tend not to melt so easily. Gotta be careful here. Whilst these things can be good energy booster, and last well in the water due to their wrappers, you HAVE to make sure you take the wrapper with you. Cos otherwise me and Attenborough will be round, and we’ll be pissed off.
HARD CHEESES
Gotta select carefully here, and don’t leave them too long, cos they tend to sweat a bit. My experience is: the harder the better (wreey).
DAIRYLEA DUNKERS
We know! It surprised us too. But surprisingly versatile. Negatives: Take the plastic and foil wrapping home with you, don’t be one of THOSE dicks. Additional Potential: With the right contortion it could be fashioned in to a sports cup for additional protection.*Note Comment
*Comment: The AS Intelligence Department (ASID) have yet to schedule this in for research and development in the Broomcupboard Testing Lab. If we are successful, as always we will publish a users guide and all our findings. Fashioning a makeshift sports cup out of Dairylea Dunker packaging is not for amateurs, please do not attempt this until our ‘experts’ have solid conclusions to share.
BANANAS
Another eyebrow raiser. But they’re good energy and you don’t have to worry too much about the waste; they come in the own biodegradable wrapper, y’know.
CREDIT CARDS
‘Hey man, that’s cheating’. YEAH. IT IS. But this is my list. Loads of lovely little beach cafés out there accept card now (the age we live in, hey?), but it’s a right faff walking all the way back to your car to get your card out. So, pop it up your sleeve and grab yourself a hot sandwich whenever you bloody want. Magic.
There you go then. Be honest: revolutionised your life this, hasn’t it?
